Gosh, in what world did i ever truly believe i would be here on this blog to tell you that i am 30 weeks pregnant? I have had so many doubts for so long that this was going to be a reality for me. But, since the beginning, there has always been that poopy seed of hope. Because how else would i have been able to continue on? So much has happened since 12 weeks ago. I’m grateful to Elise for helping me bridge the months long gap so this update won’t be so lengthy or daunting. I have had a lot going on and i can’t wait to share all of our Solomon (!!we have a name!!) updates, social life updates and me updates.
Well, we are officially viable! If for some unforeseen reason Sol decides he needs to come right now, he is chances of survival outside are very, very high. Every week that he stays baking (up to 40), his odds get better and better for fewer interventions in the real world. He is growing and growing, along with my pant and cup size. This morning at my 30wk OB appointment, my last “standard” check-in, my fundal height (or uterus height from pelvic bone to the top of my ever growing organ) was right on point and has caught up from the last short measurement we had. The Doc immediately found his heartbeat with the doppler and, like his dad mentioned, it was clear and strong – a 9# hammer just like his dads.
Despite many warnings, i still have not tired of feeling his constant kickies. Even though they now often find my ribs, my stomach and my bladder. I relish each one and i love nothing more than to pul my shirt up and conjecture whether i am seeing an elbow, a knee, a foot or a baby bum lifting my abdomen in gentle (and sometimes very sharp) mounds gliding across the surface. He is moving constantly, until Tim wants to feel! Tim has caught him a few times but I’ll definitely take it as a hopeful sign that Dad will be able to calm him when he is earth side as well as he can with just a hand on my belly.
If all goes to plan, Sol has just 10 more weeks to share this space with me so closely. It seems both like an eternity and too soon to fathom (i sense a theme here!). I hope so much that whatever is meant to be will be met by me with calm and peace and acceptance. So far, he’s doing great.
Tim, pets and nursery update
A lot has been going on at our house! Anyone need boxes?! Because i feel like i have just moved in! Our garage is full, top to bottom, of SO MANY boxes. I can really sense Tim losing his patience. In all fairness, he has been gone A LOT so we will get a handle on it and he will leave for the weekend and then come back after a shower and BAM! Box city. I also don’t think he much likes the idea of taping them all together and cutting holes through them for the most epic and beloved cat tree of all time. I mean, our cats would be in heaven. And we would get no peace until it comes down – but…. May be worth it!! In between his away times, Tim has been hard at work putting together all of the baby things!
He has also been trying to take care of me as i grow ever more uncomfortable. i definitely do not make this easy most days, but bless this man, he will even trim my toenails because i cannot reach them without crushing my pelvis, my ribs and Solomon all at once.
I’d say Tim’s excitement grows with my belly girth. He will just look at me sometimes and say something like, i just love seeing you so pregnant. He still hasn’t mastered transabdominal conversation with Solomon yet, but i still do love to see him try. It’s equally endearing and hilarious. I am also happy to report that he has completely changed tact from “no kids in our bedroom ever” to fully assembling the bedside bassinet and discussing if six or eight months is more sound for being within arms reach of us while we are sleeping. I’m excited to see what other world views our tiny person upends for Tim.
I have certainly noticed a marked change in the furry kids as of late. While daisy has always been somewhat of a Velcro dog, she has been on high alert in that last several weeks. She will absolutely not leave my side for anything, even to potty. She must have eyes on me at all times.
Rider, my happy-go-lucky, friends with everyone, 100% dog, cat, frog, people friendly, can take anywhere dog has decided that he needs to step up as the boy dog of the house. While he would previously have fled from any conflict, he now is very concerned with keeping other dogs away from me, especially ones he doesn’t know. Now, he isn’t a gladiator or anything, but he will warning bark and any dog on leash that gets to close to me and put himself right in between me and the threat when he would previously have put me in between him and the threat. It seems as though we will have to pause dog testing for the shelter til Solomon and i are separate. He also has been a bit more clingy. He used to put himself to bed at the witching hour, but now he will begrudgingly stay with me til i choose to go to bed.
Shelby on the other hand is very similar to where she was before, but worse. If anyone gets any attention she must insert herself into the situation. She loves my pregnancy pillow as much as i do and i often wake up with her underneath the covers wedged into the u-bend of the pillow behind my knees. We (I, insisting to Tim often that we need t start early) have been bringing every new item for baby out to where it will be stationed in our house so Shelby can get used to that before baby gets here and adds a new scary element. She has done pretty well, but i lee reminding Tim he will have to pay extra attention to her and spend extra one on one time with her once mom is busy with babe.
As for the cats, BB has been outrageous. And I’ve noticed an uptick in solicitation of affection from Cheddar and Tracer, too. But that BB! He has taken to INSISTING on getting into my shirt every morning when i have my coffee on the recliner. He will not leave me alone until i let him.
He loves to just lay directly on my belly and turn on his V8 purr box and would stay there for hours. cheddar takes a different approach. He likes to poke my belly and wait til Solomon pokes back and then he will poke where Solomon poked. It’s adorable.
I know many of you know that Bullet was sickly for a while. He made a miraculous recovery for a month or so and has now regressed again. We are taking him to a specialist for a second opinion and I’ll keep you up-to-date. My heart hurts for him so please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.
There is a lot to update on the nursery but i have to get better pictures and will update you there next time. But, we officially have a full closet system that is amazing and are only waiting on the chair and a few other odds and ends, including hanging pieces for my gallery wall above our changing station.
For all intents and purposes, i am doing great. I have had a couple amazing showers thrown by some wonderful women and have one more to go before Sol makes his grand entrance.
Tim and i have even been able to squeeze in a couple date nights, which we both have really enjoyed.
It’s not always about me, either! I was able to celebrate a house warming for one of my oldest friends, basically sister. I’m so proud of you Lindsey!! i adore your house and can’t wait to make many memories with you there.
Medically, I’m still complicated. Luckily, we haven’t had any major issues but I’m always constantly vigilant. I mean, just call me Mad Eye Moody. That’s actually really fitting. I have really struggled with anxiety since we have passed our viability milestone. For the most part, i can laugh at my waddling or even sort of enjoy the hip pain because it’s part of being pregnant. But i have days where the crushing anxiety of something happening to Solomon and me not catching it in time to get him out safely sets me in a tailspin. Before, there was nothing i could do anyway. He would not have made it on the outside. Now, it’s up to me to keep him safe and catch something that could threaten his life. It’s terrifying. I have intense fears of a blood clot forming in his umbilical cord or my placenta slowly becoming less and less effective until it fails and i had no idea. Bless Dr. Malone for calming my hysterics. She’s equal parts logical and compassionate and empathetic. And, while she could make me feel totally paranoid and ridiculous, she doesn’t. She just reminds me that we will be checking in on him twice a week every week until he’s ready for life outside. That we have a plan and we are on top of it. And that my fears are warranted and normal and here’s the plan to overcome them. I’m grateful for her and also hopeful that this anxiety will not continue once i can see him with my two eyes.
So, i know that i get some flack for the expensive breathable crib mattress, the owlet sock and diaper clip on breathing monitor and the bedside bassinet and the two cameras in the nursery but – it’s what I’m doing to cope with my fears and anxiety. And our previous loss. some days are better than others. Some days I’m irritable and short. And i wish i could explain in the moment, but i can’t. And for that. I am so grateful for this blog.
On my good days, which still outnumber the hard ones, i am just so enjoying being pregnant. I love difficulty putting shoes on and thinking i can still squeeze through tight spaces and failing miserably. I have loved so many of you reaching out to me for updates since i haven’t blogged in so long. I have enjoyed finally being able to soak in lukewarm baths to help the hip and back pain. I relish every single moment that anyone shares in the excitement of my son and every detail about him. I even enjoy complaining about the weight gain (I’m freaking huge), the constant out of breath feeling for even just talking too fast, and inability to eat big meals.
I still have a lot of this pregnancy to look forward to. Maternity pics coming, couples shower for Tim inbound and tidying up all the lose ends. I can definitely still wait to see Sol’s face for now but i know that feeling will morph into not being able to wait to see it soon.
We are 30 down.. who knows how many to go? The only thing i know for sure is there is less road ahead than behind for the first time in my life. Thank you for walking this road with me! I don’t know what i would have done without all of your support!!