Marathon of Inches

Hurry up and wait. It has been my IVF motto from day one. It’s sort of ironic how the paths of IVF and deployment can coincide so closely sometimes.

Hurry. Up. And…. wait.

Hurry up! We need all of your paper work NOW! Quickly! Book your flights yesterday! But, we will make sure to make you wait as long as humanly possible to give you any of the answers you want.

Hurry up! You need to get everything ready for deployment OVER NIGHT! Make sure you have your calling plans square, all of the important documents you need that take forever to get, right now!! Now, waiiiittttt for it to start. And waiiiitttttt even longer for it to be over.

I have little patience. I know there are a lot of coping mechanisms to help deal with this on both fronts. Sometimes they work, but this week they just didn’t. This week was hard. It seems like all of the things I had lined up to get me through the never ending waiting grossly backfired. Staying busy has always been an easy go-to plan for me. I had SO many important things to do this week and weekend. While I got almost all of it done, I still just feel so empty and being so busy made it almost impossible to talk to Tim at all. Double whammy. I have had many a good friend tell me, “you’ll have good days and bad days” in reference to both deployment and IVF/infertility. This week was a series of bad days. No matter how much I had going on, I would still lay my head down at night and feel totally helpless to the power of time. How many days until orientation? How long has Tim been gone? What cycle will I be put on? Is Tim asleep already, has his schedule changed? When will I find out what cycle I’ll be allowed on? When will I hear from Tim again? How long will I have to be at Walter Reed? When? When? When?? All of that, plus all of the tasks I had to accomplish coupled with not even being able to talk to Tim about my feelings and fears has left me feeling like I am running a marathon of inches. Not that I have to run a marathon an inch at a time, rather that each inch in this journey is a literal marathon. Totally exhausting, taking all of my mental and physical and emotional strength, I have had moments this week where I was sure I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take the strain that deployment and IVF puts on my marriage, I couldn’t take the waiting, I couldn’t take being in charge of this whole life Tim and I built together. I mean, that’s kind of scary! We are talking about bringing another human in to the world and I can’t even take care of the household by myself?

It’s times like these that I am forced to just step back. To realize that I am one person with a wide world of support. That anyone under these circumstances is destined for failure over time. That one week is one week, it will come and it will go.  As Sunday quickly comes to a close, I don’t think I have ever been so grateful to see a Monday.

Now, as it approaches midnight, I have to try to get some rest. This leg of my multi-marathon was tough and my legs are sore! I am hopeful that next week will bring me peace, better communication, small accomplishments and rest. Just remember, you never truly know what someone has in their heart or mind so always be kind. A small kindness from one of my favorite clients this afternoon was all I needed to reinvigorate just enough to keep up with my blog this week and I am so appreciative!

And, gosh – if this sunset wasn’t enough to give me some hope for the upcoming week, I need to check my pulse.

Sunday’s sunset over the sunflowers